Victory for Voting Machines EVERYWHERE

History was made this week! For the first time in four election cycles, Democrats are not attacking the Diebold Corp. the day after the election, accusing it of rigging its voting machines. I guess Diebold has finally been vindicated.

So the left won the House and also Nicaragua. They've had a good week. At least they don't have their finger on the "red button" yet.

Democrats support surrender in Iraq, higher taxes and the impeachment of President Bush. On Tuesday, they won an election by pretending to be against all three.

Jon Tester, Bob Casey Jr., Heath Shuler, and as of today, Jim Webb — I've never seen so much raw testosterone in my life. The smell of sweaty jockstraps from the "new Democrats" is overwhelming.

Having predicted this paltry Democrat win, my next prediction is how long it will take all these new "gun totin' Democrats" to be fitted for pink leotards.

Now that they've won their elections and don't have to deal with the hicks anymore, Tester can cut lose the infernal buzz cut, Casey can start taking "Emily's List" money, and Webb can go back to writing more incestuously homoerotic fiction ... and just in time for Christmas! Make sure to reserve your copies.. TODAY!

But according to the media, this week's election results are a mandate for pulling out of Iraq (except in Connecticut where pro-war Joe Lieberman walloped anti-war "Ned the Red" Lamont).

In fact, if the Democrats' pathetic gains in a sixth-year election are a statement about the war in Iraq, Americans must love the war! As Roll Call put it back when Clinton was president: "Simply put, the party controlling the White House nearly always loses House seats in midterm elections" — especially in the sixth year.

In Franklin D. Roosevelt's sixth year in 1938, Democrats lost 71 seats in the House and six in the Senate.

In Dwight Eisenhower's sixth year in 1958, Republicans lost 47 House seats, 13 in the Senate.

In John F. Kennedy/Lyndon Johnson's sixth year, Democrats lost 47 seats in the House and three in the Senate.

In Richard Nixon/Gerald Ford's sixth year in office in 1974, Republicans lost 43 House seats and three Senate seats.

Even America's greatest president, Ronald Reagan, lost five House seats and eight Senate seats in his sixth year in office.

But in the middle of what the media tell us is a massively unpopular war, the Democrats picked up about 30 House seats and six Senate seats in a sixth-year election, with lots of seats still too close to call. Only for half-brights with absolutely no concept of yesterday is this a "tsunami" — as MSNBC calls it — rather than the death throes of a dying party.

During eight years of Clinton — the man Democrats tell us was the greatest campaigner ever, a political genius, a heartthrob, Elvis! — Republicans picked up a total of 49 House seats and nine Senate seats in two midterm elections. Also, when Clinton won the presidency in 1992, his party actually lost 10 seats in the House — only the second time in the 20th century that a party won the White House but lost seats in the House.

Meanwhile, the Democrats' epic victory this week, about which songs will be sung for generations, means that in two midterm elections Democrats were only able to pick up about 30 seats in the House and four seats in the Senate — and that's assuming they pick up every seat that is currently too close to call. (The Democrats' total gain is less than this week's gain because Bush won six House and two Senate seats in the first midterm election.)

So however you cut it, this midterm proves that the Iraq war is at least more popular than Bill Clinton was.

In a choice between Republicans' "Stay until we win" Iraq policy or the Democrats' "Stay, leave ... stay for a while then leave ... redeploy and then come back ... leave and stay ... cut and run ... win, lose or draw policy," I guess Americans prefer the Republican policy.

The Democrats say we need a "new direction" in Iraq. Yeah, it's called "reverse." Democrats keep talking about a new military strategy in Iraq. How exactly is cut-and-run a new strategy? The French have been doing it for years. The Democrats are calling their new plan for Iraq "Operation Somalia."

The Democrats certainly have their work cut out for them. They have only two years to release as many terrorists as possible and lock up as many Republicans as they can. Republicans better get that body armor for the troops the Democrats are always carping about — and fast. The troops are going to need it for their backs.

Appearing Friday Night at the Rainbow Room...JOHN KERRY

So Sen. John Kerry was kidding? He called his ugly, mean-spirited attack on every single American who has ever served or is serving in the military a "botched joke" about the President?

As Dr. Evil would say: "Riiiiiiight."

The junior Senator from Massachusetts looks out at a group of college kids and tells them that if they do their homework and study hard, they won't wind up being "stuck in Iraq." After the stuff hits the fan, he marches up to another podium and insists he was just "joking" about President Bush and his "broken policies." And refuses to apologize to anyone.

Nice try, Senator. Classy. Bright. Insightful. And boy, are you funny. There's nothing like joking about our troops and their Commander-In-Chief during a time of war where our soldiers are fighting and dying that can bring down the house.

Please remember to tip your waitress.

But since humor is the order of the day, I think I can just join the crowd:

Did you hear the one about the junior Senator from Massachusetts who likes to wear women's lingerie?

Oh, never mind - that was just a botched joke about the economic policy of France.

In the scheme of things, I wonder what voters will consider a more important "scandal": a disgraced Republican Congressman who was immediately drummed out of his job after it was revealed that he sent nasty e-mails to pages or a sitting U.S. Senator who claims that our troops are lazy, ignorant and uneducated?

I hear that John Kerry beats his wife so often that her nickname is "Black-and-blue Teresa."

Oops, another botched joke, I meant to address the climate conditions of Brazilian rain forests.

Kerry's angry press conference yesterday was really a classic. This is a guy who has practically topped Al Gore or Howard Dean in falling apart at the seams. "Doughy Rush Limbaugh?" "Stuffed shirt Tony Snow?" But most importantly, he's a man who doesn't even have enough honor or courage to apologize for his ridiculous slur. He spends so much time bragging about what a "war hero" he was that he doesn't even have the decency to say he's sorry to the family members of slain American soldiers, or the heroic, SMART men and women at Walter Reed who have lost their limbs but not their spirit.

John Kerry pulls the wings off flies, kicks his dog, and is an internet porn addict.

There I go again, just another "botched joke." What a riot, eh?

The other gutless Democrat in this whole debacle is the unnamed Democratic congressman who told ABC News, "He blew it for us in 2004, what's he trying to do, blow it for us in 2006, too?" If only that Democrat would have been willing to go on the record and identify him/herself, Americans might be able to have one shred of hope for this shameful political party. So far, not a single Democrat has had the sense or decency to denounce Kerry for what he said. That's pretty typical for them. Compare that to all the Republicans who had no trouble throwing Mark Foley out to the curb, where he belongs.

John Kerry is a national disgrace who will never again hold any other political office than the one he has and has forced a number of decent people to vote for Republicans next week.

And that is no joke.