8 Reasons The Clintons Will Be Back In The White House

Let's cut right to the chase: Hillary Clinton is running for the United States presidency in 2008. She has been running for nearly ten years now. She's always been running. And though it makes me physically ill to consider a Hillary presidency, she's got a damn good shot at winning. She's already a lock for a sizable portion of the Democrat base. The Left adores her. Her word is gospel. Even if she were speaking Martian, her paragraphs at any Democrat fundraiser could well be punctuated with the crowd rejoicing, "Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!" If only it weren't already trademarked by the Bush-loving, right wing, Jesus-freak propaganda machine! Oh, and Halliburton.

But she must turn her attention to the only niche demographic that matters - the Undecideds. The white, Independent, middle to upper-middle class swing voters. From Eleanor Clift of MSNBC: Not offending party regulars while courting independents is the key to winning, a balancing act requiring more skill than conviction.

Translation: For Hillary to succeed, she must continue to excite her base at party fundraisers with the constant, baseless chatter about the Bush administration's lies, etc. etc., while at the same time ensuring that she can effectively bullshit her way to the politically safe middle-ground on touchstone issues. Meaning: She's not going to take a stand on anything.

And she'll do just that. And she'll win. For these reasons:

1. She's a woman. The argument here among left to middle voters is that, "It's time for a woman." What the hell this means, I have no idea. But Hillary can and will appeal to the novelty quotient of swing voters. Though this notion of building one's initial voting decision on the pretense of a candidate's gender is both ludicrous and dangerous, many registered Independents will find novelty purely in the fact that Mrs. Clinton pees sitting down.
2. She's a victim. Hillary is a survivor. Independent women will side with the scorned woman. She weathered the storm of a cheating husband (Bonus: somehow he emerged as a victim too!). Hillary is viewed as tough for her commitment to her marriage through the most heinous of marital wrongs - infidelity. Though I personally view this as ideologically moronic and nothing more than a stunt to further her political career, she will pull at the heart strings of white, middle class, Desperate Housewives-loving women (and panty-wearning men) who have been victims or, in their eyes, might as well have been.
3. She has star power - a marquee name. She's a Clinton. Much like the Kennedy's, the Clinton's possess an immense amount of invincibility in their name alone. Conversely, the most notable and famous of Republicans include the mere likes of Guiliani and McCain. Not exactly household names.
4. She has the entire establishment media on her side. Again, like the Kennedy's, the establishment media - ABC, NBC, CNN, et. al. - will not hold her accountable or call her to task for anything. Ever. In the quote-unquote press conference that Patrick Kennedy held just after his (ahem!) vehicular malfunction several months ago, whereby no conferencing was conducted and no questions asked or answered, Mr. Kennedy deftly established a basis by which any future media scrutiny about said event could be quickly deflected with a terse, "I've already answered those questions." Likewise, Mrs. Clinton's press conferences are nothing more than diatribes to lay a similar foundation for defense against any future media inquiry.
5. She's immune from having a position on anything. You cannot be a viable presidential candidate without being vague, says Matt Bennett, of the Democratic centrist (oxymoron alert!) group Third Way. For a Republican, this advice couldn't be more wrong. For the Left, it's genius. Without the establishment media holding her to account for anything she's said, done, or voted on, she can't be pigeon-holed into this position or that. Brilliant! Without taking a definitive side on anything, she's effectively a moderate.

   Is she for or against abortion? Well I think she said she's for women's rights and that sounds nice.

   Is she for or against higher taxes? Um ... I think she said she's investing in our future ... which is good, right?

   What's her stance on Iraq and ensuring our country's safety? Well she's for the troops - she's definitely proud of the troops. I know that much. And that's good enough for me.

6. Her husband is a beloved, ex-president ... The Left views Hillary's presidency as an encore to Bill's eight years in office (grab the your toilet or garbage can now, please). His post-presidential gallivanting around the world, with more than a few unkind words to spout off about the Bush administration has garnered him praise predictably from the left, but from the center as well. He's charming, charismatic, and able to talk across party lines with frightening ease.
7. ... and a brilliant political strategist. Eleanor Clift also notes that, [Bill] is her best strategist, with a fingertip feel for the electorate that is unrivaled. Slick Willy resonates well not only with his base, but with the registered middle as well. And if he's out stumping for his wife, be assured, there'll be many an eager ear to listen. Well if Bill's personally telling me to vote for her ... who am I to argue?
8. She's not a Republican. The Democrats' challenge is to do one of two things. What they are going to try to do, what they should do, is say nothing except "Had enough?", said Newt Gingrich in a recent TIME magazine interview. Many independents have had enough. The anti-Bush crowd has done too good of a job demonizing the Bush administration. And with a seemingly neverending stream of scandals to boot, Republicans as a whole have taken a lot of collateral damage.

There is no viable Republican candidate who holds a single one of these advantages. The Republicans are imploding. With the war in Iraq gone horribly wrong, the Democrats likely coup of Congress next month, and Bush struggling to successfully deliver the Right's message to the American people, they're fighting just to keep their base. And to gain the approval of an increasingly jaded, inquisitive, well-educated moderate electorate.

The Democrat base is a lock for Hillary. The only piece of the voting pie over which she's fighting is the Independent, swing vote.

It's a tough row to hoe for the Right and barring some inexplicable cosmic event in the next two years, get used to the phrase, "President Hillary Clinton".